Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing has happened.

I have no idea who she is,

where she came from,

or how she got in.

I certainly didn't invite her.

All I know is that one day she wasn't here

and the next day she was.

She's very clever.

She manages to keep out of sight for the most part;

but whenever I pass a mirror,

I catch a glimpse of her there;

and when I look into a mirror directly

to check my appearance,

suddenly she's hogging the whole thing,

completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.

It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave

but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.

She's really rather frightening.

If she's going to hang around,

the least she could do is offer to pay rent.

But no...

Every once in a while I do find a couple

of dollar bills on the kitchen counter,

or some loose change on my bureau

or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions,

I think she steals money from me regularly.

I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars,

and a few days later, it's gone.

I certainly don't go through it that fast,

so I can only conclude

that the old lady pilfers it.

You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream.

God knows, she needs it.

And the money isn't the only thing she's taking.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate.

Especially the good stuff

--ice cream, cookies, candy--

I just can't keep them in the house.

She really has a sweet tooth.

She should watch it;

she's really putting on the pounds.

I think she realizes that,

and to make herself feel better,

I know she is tampering with my scale

so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really

quite childish.

She also gets into my closets when I'm not home

and alters all my clothes.

They're getting tighter and tighter every day.

Another thing:

I wish she'd stop messing with my files

and the papers on my desk.

I can't find a thing any more.

This is particularly hard to deal with

because I'm extremely neat and organized;

but she manages to jumble everything up so

nothing is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR

to tape something important,

she fiddles with it after I leave the room

so it records the wrong channel

or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable,

imaginative ways to irritate me.

She gets to my newpapers, magazines,

and mail before me --

and blurs all the print;

and she's done something sinister

with the volume controls

on my TV, radio, and phone.

Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She's also made my stairs steeper,

my vacuum cleaner heavier,

all my knobs and faucets hard to turn

and my bed higher --

it's a real challenge to climb into and out of.

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them

and applies super glue to the tops of every jar

and bottle so they're just about impossible to open.

Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respect at night.

More than once, her snoring has awakened me.

I don't know why she can't do

something about that.

It's very unattractive.

As if all this isn't bad enough,

she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house.

She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me

and follows me wherever I go.

I see her reflection in store windows as I pass.

And she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping,

because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors

has extended to dressing rooms.

When I try something on, she dons and identical oufit-

-which looks ridiculous on her--

and then stands directly in front of me

so I can't see how great it looks on me!

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that,

but yesterday she proved me wrong.

She had the nerve to come with me

when I went to have some passport pictures taken,

and she actually stepped in front of the camera

just as the shutter clicked.

Disaster!

I have never seen such a horrible picture.

How can I go abroad now?

No customs official is ever going

to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice.

If she keeps this up, I swear--

I'll put her in a home.

On second thought,

I shouldn't be too hasty.

First, I think I'll check with the IRS 

and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

What's a body to do??????